Finding True Happiness

Here’s a question that has been on my mind lately. Do you do what makes you happy or do you do what makes others happy? I’m kind of stuck on what to do because I’ve always been the person that focuses on making others happy. I feel like if I pick my own happiness over others I’m being selfish. But if I pick others over me I always end up sad and lonely in the end.

Drowning

I am the girl who fakes a smile everyday. The girl who goes home and cries everyday. The girl who is breaking down and is going to fall down any second now. The hard part is I know that when I fall down I won’t be able to get back up. I wish people could see how much pain I’m in. I’ve never felt so alone.

I’m Losing It

Do you ever feel like a grenade? Like one day you are just going to explode and you are going to wreck the lives around you. That’s how I feel everyday. They always say life gets better, but I think that’s a lie. I have hit rock bottom in life. I lost the three of the most important things in my life in less than a month.

I had a relationship going very strong for a long time. We talked everyday about our future and about how much we loved each other. And I have to say I can’t tell if I actually loved him now. But I can still remember our last kiss, it was fireworks everywhere. It was by far the best kiss we have ever had. I honestly never saw him ending things with me and it was so sudden. But I know he wanted me to fight for him but I wasn’t going to, because I knew that he was talking to other girls and hooking up with them even though he was obviously dating me. The thing that hurts me the most is that our whole relationship was a lie. He never cared about me and he took advantage of me. It was my first like intense relationship and I didn’t know what was normal so I just did what he told me. Plus, he moved on to another girl practically minutes after we broke up. I just wish I could tell her to run far, far away from him.

It’s honestly so hard and it’s been 2 weeks already. I feel like I should be over this already. But every single time I see something about him or it reminds me of him. I just break down because he honestly emotionally drained me and now I’m scared. I’m scared of trusting people, heartbreak, and love. He was my first love and he did many things he promised he’d never do to me. He honestly hurt me in every way and the worst part is I don’t have anyone to talk to because I feel like my world is breaking and I don’t want to sound like an emotional wreck.

Trust

I’ve learned in life that the only person I can trust is myself. The people out there in the real world are greedy and selfish. Trust is made so it can be broken. Chances are that most of the trust you build with people someday will be broken. It’s your choice if you want to forgive them or leave them.
Last night I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. We’ve been together for a long time and I felt heartbroken. I felt like it was my fault that he cheated on. I thought it was my fault that he wasn’t happy. But then I realized something I’ve never thought before. It wasn’t my fault. I gave him everything I could. I trust him with my life and I told him all my fears and secrets. I ran to him whenever I was sad.
The trust I gave him I’ve never given anyone before. I don’t trust people very easily because I get cheated on a lot. I have to say this one hurt a lot. The worst part is I talked to him a long time ago asking if he ever cheated on me would he tell me and he said yes. I gave him all the trust in the world just so he could break it.
I was confused on if I should leave him or forgive him. He didn’t seem sorry he did it. So I read him something I wrote one night when I couldn’t go to sleep. It was about our love. The first part was about how I wanted love and the second part was how I found love. I knew I should forgive him when he started crying. Because right then I knew that he cared and loved me. I could tell that he made a mistake. I’ve never seen him cry before. He’s an emotionless person. I hope I made the right decision.

Judgements

I wish people didn’t judge. I wish that people would actually take the time to go up to me and get to know me before people made judgments. If people actually took the time to talk to me they would think I was interesting and nice. I mean sure I don’t have J Crew clothes or don’t drive a brand new sports car but that doesn’t mean I’m poor. If people knew what troubles I have gone through to get to where I am right now because maybe I would have a little respect from people. I mean we try so hard in life just so that people won’t make bad judgments about us but what I’ve learned in life is that no matter how hard you try you can’t please people. I can sit here and say I don’t judge people but that would be a lie. Everyone judges people. Part of us being human is that we judge people. I mean so you could try to please people but it would really be a waste of your time. So I’m just going to live my life and try to be myself. And I’m starting to learn that I don’t care what the bitches at my school think about me because at least they are thinking about me.

Love

Love is such a powerful word. And I feel that us as humans overuse it too much thinking that we are in love when we aren’t even sure of what it is. I mean sure I care a lot about some people but do I love them? I have a boyfriend and he always tells me he loves me. The first time he told me I was caught off-guard. I didn’t say it back and he got really sad. I told him that I didn’t know what love is.

We will never truly experience love until we find the person we are going to marry. Sure we have our “first loves” but were we really in love with them? Maybe we would just throw “the l word” around because we felt pressured to or that maybe we truly thought we were in love. But do I really know what love is? Maybe I’m just in love with the thought with love. Every love story is different so It’s hard to tell if It’s really love or not.

I guess I’m just confused because I can’t tell if it’s love or not. If anyone knows what love feels like and is reading this please tell me because I need to know from a real life person’s view. I can’t tell from the romance novels and chick-flicks.

Popularity

I never realized how cruel people can be until I stepped into high school. Then, as if class wasn’t bad enough, there are people you actually have to socialize with. People who think that they are “too cool for you” and that you should be paying them just to be in the presence of them. I’ve had the experience of sitting at lunch tables and people moving away more times than I can count on my two hands.

Cliques are just so stupid. I mean sure they are just friend groups. But I think there is a difference between a friend group and a clique. A friend group becomes a clique when you won’t socialize with anyone outside “your group.” See at my school we have a list on who can be in “the popular group” for dances. Literally the stupidest thing ever because people will go so far just to get into that group.

I don’t think popularity is about being the prettiest girl in your grade or the star football player. I don’t even think popularity is based on how many friends you have. I think that there is no such thing as popularity. Sure usually the “popular” people are the ones who are the most-known kids. But I think that popularity is nothing in high school. The things that matter in high school are how you will be remembered. People aren’t going to remember what you did in high school but people are going to remember how you made them feel.

I would gladly rather be known as the friendly, nice, outgoing girl than the popular bitch.

First Post.

Do you ever feel like your life is so messed up? That’s my life. There is always the parental drama and then you have a sibling who doesn’t want to even be related to you. Then there’s the best friend where it feels like everyday you drift further away. And then once you feel like everything starts to come together and you’re finally happy… something goes wrong and screws everything else. My life is one fucking big mess right now, but my life has made me the person I am today and I wouldn’t change it for the world.